Shitty Food in Review: "Unif Bowl Instant Noodles: Stewed Pork Chop Flavor"

When I started this blog (um, like yesterday), I knew I wanted a whole section of entries that would be reviews of truly shitty food. Item Uno: Unif Bowl Instant Noodles: Artificial Stewed Pork Chop Flavor. Sigh, okay, let me back up a little bit.

I posted a photo of some half-assed, jazzed-up instant pho I ate and posted it on Facebook (as you do), which prompted a coworker to prompt me to visit a place called KP International Market, promptly. Fast forward to my next day off, and Ryan and I found ourselves out in the 'burbs (oh land of free parking) in front of a giant store containing "wonders of the orient". Inside, we found exactly what we were looking for, and a whole bunch of crap we weren't looking for but definitely needed. One such item was this instant bowl.

Mmm veggies...right?

Let's go ahead and break this down. "Unif" is a brand I have absolutely never heard of but I'm sure they're big overseas. "Instant Noodle Bowl" mmkay pretty self explanatory. With you there. "Artificial Stewed Pork Chop Flavor"... Wait, what? Why artificial? Are imaginary piggies cheaper? I'm specifically making the decision NOT to think too hard about this. Moving right along.

I cracked the bowl open on a busy and ill-prepared day at work. Usually I'll have some leftovers or some sort of semi-healthy scheme prepared for lunch, but not this day. And it is days like this when all the shitty food gets eaten (and, let's be honest, CRAVED). Inside the bowl was what I like to call a "tiny bitch fork" because yes, they technically included a fork but these bitches have obviously never tried to consume any meal beyond cheese cubes with a fork like that. Just...no. Thankfully I keep all manner of silverware and chopsticks in my desk drawer. Tiny Bitch Fork, you are history. Also included were the customary three packets of thangs (dehydrated veggies, the dry seasoning, and the oily or pasty seasoning).

Seriously, what the fuck is this?

What caught me off guard about the packets was that the seasoning packets seemed to be filled with whatever is left in the bottom of a pan after you make dinner on Friday and go to do dishes on Monday. Yegh...

Ladies and gentlemen, this must be what the artificial pork chop looks like. As far as I can tell, that just means "pan scrapin's".

I decided to just roll with it and added it to the noodle bowl. I tend to fuss a lot with my welfare food and am always adding extra meat, veggies, spices, whatever. But, as I said earlier, I was NOT prepared for this day and had to work with what I was given.

Ready to be moistened.

I have the best-damn-little-hot-water-maker-ever kettle at my desk, so boiling the water for this was easy. The instructions called for the typical procedure of adding boiling water to a certain level in the bowl and then leaving it the fuck alone for a few minutes. And remember, the longer you leave it alone, the more tender your veggies and noodles will get. Ancient State Worker Secret.

In the end, the bowl was actually better tasting than I thought it would be. The noodles were just basic Top Ramen style. I added a little more water because I like broth, but the flavor was still pretty strong - more savory than salty (which surprised me). I'm not sure I would have guessed pork in a blind mystery noodle bowl taste test, but it was good. I do with there had been more veggies, but was spared the gross-out of pieces of dehydrated and risen-from-the-dead meat bits.

Obviously, it does not rate high on the picture vs result category, unless you want to go to the trouble of stewing pork and stir frying vegetables and adding them to this mess. Obviously not.

Result: Not as shitty as the bowl it came in.

Over all  ratings:

Ease of Preparation: 5/5 Electric Kettles
Taste: 3/5 Artificial Stewed Pork Chops
Value: 4/5 Hard Earned 'Merican Dollars
Pictures vs Result: 2/5 Broken Pork Chop Dreams

Over all: A solid 3/5

Summary: Would purchase again but don't see this coming into my regular rotation of shit that I eat that I'm kind of ashamed of.