I will never understand why Ryan allows me to go to the store hungry, but to his credit, I'm pretty much always hungry. Especially after something that burns a lot of calories like driving, playing Words With Friends, or blowing raspberries on my dog's belly. Long story short, we went to Trader Joe's, I was hungry, and I ended up going down the frozen food aisle (ahem, FROZEN FOOD WONDERLAND OF LET'S EAT ALL THIS STUFF) and buying this. Actually, that is the long version of the story.
It is made my "Trader Jacques," who I can only assume by the name is some kind of up-and-coming French chef. Plus is has brie in it and shows the dish being served in a bowl with a handle, so it's basically like dropping $100 a plate on a nice dinner out. Pop some Two-Buck - excuse me - Two-Dollar-And-Fifty-Cents-Chuck (hm, doesn't have quite the same ring to it anymore) and you've got a romantical evening of romance (or a lunch at your desk job that might make your day 2% less shitty). Plus, the box boasts that it is "sinfully rich and worth every bite" so by eating this I get to throw some shit in the face of Christians for all that sinful stuff I love AND people who think money is better currency than bites - HAHA! SUCK IT!
Side note: why THE FUCK can't I drink wine at work?
Preparation was simple. The situation is - crack a corner open, nuke for three and a half minutes, loiter in front of the microwave and pretend that the microwaves are aborting whatever possible hideous fetus may have defied my birth control, and then open the lid and stir. Now that's what I call cooking. When I opened the lid though, I was actually a little taken aback...
This motherfucker has an actual good-sized slice of brie in it! I was not aware that you could 1) freeze brie, 2) microwave brie, or 3) stir brie into pasta. When I read "brie" on the box, I assumed it was some lump on processed cheese-shit. Brie has long been the stinky cheese that I linger around at parties, scooping awkward globs onto crackers. Apparently brie can exist in many forms and is as versatile and useful to the human body as water.
Staring down into the cardboard box of dreams, I was momentarily transported to some awesome fantasy-reality where I have made $10,000 because I patented cheese-infused water. I would rehydrate on gouda-water and ride my unicorn through the streets to a fountain whose center is just a giant piece of swiss cheese with water squirting out of it. The crowds would sing songs in my honor and shower me with handfuls of feta and flaked parmesan. It would be so beautiful.
This is sad for a lot of reasons, least of which is the fact that I consider $10,000 a fortune beyond any I will ever possess. Did I mention I like cheese? Cheese.
Returning to reality, I managed not to end my life right then out of disappointment and instead stirred the cheese, asparagus, and shells around as instructed. This created an actually not terrible looking dish, which I of course added a bunch of black pepper to because it keeps the demons away. It smelled good and the texture wasn't so goopy that it was fighting for control of the fork. So far, so good.
This is easily one of the better frozen meals I've had. It was the perfect amount of food, the taste was good, and the only hiccup I ran into was one or two pieces of asparagus that were too chewy and should have been hacked off and disposed off. I was able to deal with this because by then I was thinking of this frozen meal as a neat group of friends I got to hang out with (and eat), and in any group of friends there are a few that should be hacked up and disposed of.
Preparation: Super simple if you can handle stirring up brie.
Cost: I think this was like $3, which is kind of high for frozen food but not bad if you like eating something that is slightly above the normal frozen dog shit you usually find.
Taste and Quality: Not bad. Would buy again.
Healthiness: Fuck you, okay?
Overall Rating: 5/5 Unicorns with Asparagus for Horns and Frozen Brie for Hair
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